I dont have chocolate tonight. I had this huge bar my friend had given me and it took me three days to finish it, that was the chocolate that would supply me during the night. Now, i dont have anymore. Maybe it's a good thing, i'm sure it was killing my teeth and i was gaining a lot. Eh.
I started writing a new story today, it took me all day but i got scenes in. I can never start a story from the beginning, it's just too hard for me. But i was just dying to write the story, i would get frustrated because i didnt have the words to phrase it or just any way to write it. I get upset when i dont have words that can satisfy my story. I think that's why i havent written anything for a while.
But i got to listening to Imogen Heap more and it's blossomed such a beautiful story in my head, well, many stories and i really had to pick one. The one i decided to go with is sort of a life-story. A memoir. It's about a girl who's strength is impalable. She grows up in a simple neighboorhood, the city park being her backyard so she spends a lot of her time there, learning the most from the park actually and also, that's where she meets her soulmate for the first time. She's eight years old when she finds him lying in the field alone while rain pours. Possibly the worst rain fall they'd had in fifty years. So she runs out to the field to see if the boy is alright, he is lying with his eyes closed as if he were asleep. "Hello?" She says, standing over him. "Are you alright?" She continues when there's no movement. "Hey," She taps him with her foot. "Don't touch me with your damn foot." She jumps as he snaps at her, his eyes still closed. "I just wanted to see if you're alright." She snaps back, feeling a little hurt. "Well, i'm fine." He sits up, his body soaked. His hair, a ridiculous black on his silk skin. He looks up at her and shes stricken by his fiery blue eyes, looking velvet, metallic. The most beautiful person she's ever seen, she feels herself cowering inside. "You'll get sick then." She says over the thundering rain. "Then i'll get sick." He glares, "You should've left me alone, i felt good." "Good?" She questioned, accidentally moving the umbrella from her head, getting soaked. "You think getting rained on feels good?" He rolled his magical eyes and walked away from her. That would be the last time she would see him after two years.
The boy comes in and out of her life silently and in the most odd of circumstances but everytime she sees him she is stricken, his beauty never wilts, instead, he grows more beautiful as he ages. It isnt until late into her life when she truly falls in love with him, though, he is a difficult man to love. Though he aged beautifully in the most unreal of circumstances he hides beneath himself, he lives within himself and is at odds when he falls in love with Sophie (the main girl). He can't bring himself to love her the way she wants him to and there Sophie struggles. But soon he finds himself at an ultimatum, Sophie is pregnant and expects him to change and when he convinces himself he is not able to change he leaves her with their daughter.
Sophie loses herself at that moment. A single mother, with their first child, empty without Liam (Her soulmate). She struggles being the perfect mother for her daughter, almost ready to give in to the pain until she wakes when she's ready to jump off the cliff of life. She has a daughter and she was all she had. So from that moment she swears to herself, she will never lose herself ever again. Her strength returns but in different forms that eventually stops anyone from entering into her life, she isolates her daughter and herself until Liam returns three years later breaking her apart. She has a hard time letting her daughter have a father, her trust with him dispersed after he left.
Her heart aches as she watches Liam take hold of her daughter, the daughter he ran away from. But after a long, heated moment when they spill everything to eachother and she hates him for a simple moment, she realizes...she's never hated anyone more than she's hated Liam. For every moment he came into her life, for every thought she had, for every dream at night, for every word spoken, for every wish...she hated him and yet loved him with a passion that could not be explained. She loved him in a way that was unimaginable. It was odd that the person she could love the most, she hated with the same extent.
The family never turns out to be a normal one, though she lets him back into her life at moments and is in her daughter's life forever more, it is not the one she wanted to have but with a love like hers, its unimaginable how she could stop hating him all at once. If you have the power to love someone as much as she loves Liam, what makes you believe that she can't hate him just as much? So, for the rest of her life she continues on with Liam at her side because there is no one more she can love than him.
It's a pretty hard story to write actually, i mean i have it all summed up but it's difficult. I plan to write this real soon but it will take me awhile.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
12:01
You know, it gets a bit lonely deep in the night. All i have is a blanket on my head, some chocolate and pretty good music. But i like it, sometimes. Today it's sort of eating at me though, i want someone to be here with me but i'm stuck alone pretty much.
I really like wierd names, some you dont really hear that much and it's just pretty rare to come upon them in life. Like Saoirse (Sear-sha), i got that name from an actress who's starring in a role in a movie based on a book that i've read. It's called the Lovely Bones, i read it a few years ago and i must say it's one of the saddest -if not the most- book i've ever read. I'm prepared to cry when i see the movie. Anyways, like Saorise i like the name Joaquin and Danika and Karris May and Liam. They're pretty wierd but i just hope i don't grow out of them by the time i have a baby. They're delicate names but yet very powerful, i dont want my children to have names that can easily be forgotten, i hate it when people forget my name, i actually get embarrassed. So i want beautiful, delicate, rare and powerful names for my children and i think those are trust worthy names. But i do love the name Sophie too, yeah it's common but it's such a beautiful name and i think it'd fit a baby girl perfectly.
I was never really a fan of my name, it's Kayla. A lot of people have my name and i don't like it. I wish i had a wierd name. And Kayla is easily forgotten, though it does roll of the tongue well. I just dont like turning around to the sound of my name when they arent calling for me. It's annoying and a little embarrassing when someone catches you turning around to your name when they're not calling for you.
I've been getting real bad anxiety attacks at night and it sucks. I'll be barely conscious but i begin to think about things that dont exist really. Like, i'll tell myself that i need to write some paper for English when in reality i dont need to. But at night i believe it and i begin to shake real bad and i sweat and i feel really....weak. Then i wont be able to sleep because my heart is pounding so hard then i get scared. But when i really wake up i realize everything i was worrying about wasnt real. It's...wierd and i dont like it. I get really bad attacks at night and it frustrates and scares me. I havent told anyone though, they'll just think i'm really wierd or something which is true. I mean i'm getting anxiety from things that arent even real. It's stupid and a bit pathetic. But it's just something i dont like going through, it's a waste.
I hear chocolate has this chemical that makes people happy, mhm. I believe it, a lot of people dont but i do. I'm sure it works but i do doubt there's a chemical in it. I think if i believe telling myself chocolate makes me happy then it will work. Obviously, thats how the mind works. If you truly believe something your body will automatically believe it too. If you think your sick, you'll get sick. But i think your beliefs need to go to a certain extent in order to get you results or something. I dont think if you just say it you'll get it, but i think it happens when you are strong about it. So i'll make chocolate make me happy just because i need a little bit more happiness in my system.
I didnt start my other book today but i did finish Siddhartha and i did memorize the first paragraph in Macbeth, it was difficult. But i got it down, not perfect, but i have it. That's enough for me. Also i've been listening to this song called 2-1 by Imogen Heap, i normally dont listen to them. I've heard of them but never listened to their music but i've listened to his song and i really like it. It's really magic and makes me imagine a lot of things. I like songs that take me away and it has done that the million times i've listened to it. It's a great song and i like it a lot. I've been wanting to find a place where i can download it because my dad has put 'restrictions' on me so i can't buy it. I must push for illegal ways but i havent found the song yet sooooo i'm sort of out of luck. I always need songs in my iPod, especially ones like these. I'm addicted to my iPod and it's not the same way where stupid girls are like "OMG i am sooo addicted to my iPod." Not quite like that at all. I'm sincerely addicted to it and it gets really bad for me. One time, a couple years back, it froze on me and it didnt even turn off so i went one night without my iPod and i was in complete misery. It was like, i couldnt breathe and i shook like i was having a seisure the whole night and i havent cried like that since my friend's funeral. Like, i lost myself for that moment. Without my iPod i didnt sleep, i didnt sleep at all. I'd doze off at moments but i'd wake quickly and begin to cry again. I cried to my mom that morning and she got really scared and told me enough was enough and that it was ridiculous i could be attached to such a stupid thing that had no meaning in my life. When it quite actually did have a significance if i went 24 hours without the sleep. Eventually it did work but later in my high school years, Freshman year, it was stolen right out of my bad. I cried and threw a tantrum in school, i cried into my cousin and told him how stupid and worthless i was and i even cried to a girl a barely knew. She felt really bad for me and hugged me. I cried to my mom when she picked me up and ironically she came out crying too when she started yelling at me, asking me why i would do such a stupid thing as to take my music, my life, along with me to school like that and be so careless. I'm not sure why she cried along with me, but she did. That was the worst moment in my life though because for the next month and a half i didnt have an iPod and my life seemed to plummet quickly. Without the sleep i got very paranoid and anxious with school and people, i didnt want to be around anyone and i was much bitter and cruel than usual. I did get my iPod after and again i was attached to it but this time, and still now, i keep that iPod with me and in my sight. No matter what, i am aware of it and rarely let people touch it or see it. I've got an obscure connection with that damn thing.
I feel incomplete right now, it's a funny feeling. I feel restless and i think i should go to sleep but i feel like i have so much more to do that i really cant. So i think i'm just filling this up in hopes that i could just drain every thought i had today and maybe it'll help me. Is anyone even reading this? It's funny, i could write and write and write and realize that if no one is reading this then....it's good that i'm writing to myself. Wow, i got a little scared. Again, i'm alone, right? Damn, even on the fucking web i feel lonely haha. Sad, isnt it? Eh, maybe i should pick up a book right now or somethin.
I really like wierd names, some you dont really hear that much and it's just pretty rare to come upon them in life. Like Saoirse (Sear-sha), i got that name from an actress who's starring in a role in a movie based on a book that i've read. It's called the Lovely Bones, i read it a few years ago and i must say it's one of the saddest -if not the most- book i've ever read. I'm prepared to cry when i see the movie. Anyways, like Saorise i like the name Joaquin and Danika and Karris May and Liam. They're pretty wierd but i just hope i don't grow out of them by the time i have a baby. They're delicate names but yet very powerful, i dont want my children to have names that can easily be forgotten, i hate it when people forget my name, i actually get embarrassed. So i want beautiful, delicate, rare and powerful names for my children and i think those are trust worthy names. But i do love the name Sophie too, yeah it's common but it's such a beautiful name and i think it'd fit a baby girl perfectly.
I was never really a fan of my name, it's Kayla. A lot of people have my name and i don't like it. I wish i had a wierd name. And Kayla is easily forgotten, though it does roll of the tongue well. I just dont like turning around to the sound of my name when they arent calling for me. It's annoying and a little embarrassing when someone catches you turning around to your name when they're not calling for you.
I've been getting real bad anxiety attacks at night and it sucks. I'll be barely conscious but i begin to think about things that dont exist really. Like, i'll tell myself that i need to write some paper for English when in reality i dont need to. But at night i believe it and i begin to shake real bad and i sweat and i feel really....weak. Then i wont be able to sleep because my heart is pounding so hard then i get scared. But when i really wake up i realize everything i was worrying about wasnt real. It's...wierd and i dont like it. I get really bad attacks at night and it frustrates and scares me. I havent told anyone though, they'll just think i'm really wierd or something which is true. I mean i'm getting anxiety from things that arent even real. It's stupid and a bit pathetic. But it's just something i dont like going through, it's a waste.
I hear chocolate has this chemical that makes people happy, mhm. I believe it, a lot of people dont but i do. I'm sure it works but i do doubt there's a chemical in it. I think if i believe telling myself chocolate makes me happy then it will work. Obviously, thats how the mind works. If you truly believe something your body will automatically believe it too. If you think your sick, you'll get sick. But i think your beliefs need to go to a certain extent in order to get you results or something. I dont think if you just say it you'll get it, but i think it happens when you are strong about it. So i'll make chocolate make me happy just because i need a little bit more happiness in my system.
I didnt start my other book today but i did finish Siddhartha and i did memorize the first paragraph in Macbeth, it was difficult. But i got it down, not perfect, but i have it. That's enough for me. Also i've been listening to this song called 2-1 by Imogen Heap, i normally dont listen to them. I've heard of them but never listened to their music but i've listened to his song and i really like it. It's really magic and makes me imagine a lot of things. I like songs that take me away and it has done that the million times i've listened to it. It's a great song and i like it a lot. I've been wanting to find a place where i can download it because my dad has put 'restrictions' on me so i can't buy it. I must push for illegal ways but i havent found the song yet sooooo i'm sort of out of luck. I always need songs in my iPod, especially ones like these. I'm addicted to my iPod and it's not the same way where stupid girls are like "OMG i am sooo addicted to my iPod." Not quite like that at all. I'm sincerely addicted to it and it gets really bad for me. One time, a couple years back, it froze on me and it didnt even turn off so i went one night without my iPod and i was in complete misery. It was like, i couldnt breathe and i shook like i was having a seisure the whole night and i havent cried like that since my friend's funeral. Like, i lost myself for that moment. Without my iPod i didnt sleep, i didnt sleep at all. I'd doze off at moments but i'd wake quickly and begin to cry again. I cried to my mom that morning and she got really scared and told me enough was enough and that it was ridiculous i could be attached to such a stupid thing that had no meaning in my life. When it quite actually did have a significance if i went 24 hours without the sleep. Eventually it did work but later in my high school years, Freshman year, it was stolen right out of my bad. I cried and threw a tantrum in school, i cried into my cousin and told him how stupid and worthless i was and i even cried to a girl a barely knew. She felt really bad for me and hugged me. I cried to my mom when she picked me up and ironically she came out crying too when she started yelling at me, asking me why i would do such a stupid thing as to take my music, my life, along with me to school like that and be so careless. I'm not sure why she cried along with me, but she did. That was the worst moment in my life though because for the next month and a half i didnt have an iPod and my life seemed to plummet quickly. Without the sleep i got very paranoid and anxious with school and people, i didnt want to be around anyone and i was much bitter and cruel than usual. I did get my iPod after and again i was attached to it but this time, and still now, i keep that iPod with me and in my sight. No matter what, i am aware of it and rarely let people touch it or see it. I've got an obscure connection with that damn thing.
I feel incomplete right now, it's a funny feeling. I feel restless and i think i should go to sleep but i feel like i have so much more to do that i really cant. So i think i'm just filling this up in hopes that i could just drain every thought i had today and maybe it'll help me. Is anyone even reading this? It's funny, i could write and write and write and realize that if no one is reading this then....it's good that i'm writing to myself. Wow, i got a little scared. Again, i'm alone, right? Damn, even on the fucking web i feel lonely haha. Sad, isnt it? Eh, maybe i should pick up a book right now or somethin.
12:26
well, i've finished another book & as usual i'm a little sad. I feel like i've left a piece of myself behind in each book i've finished, i begin to feel sad because i feel as though i will never be able to come back to that same world. Though i could always re-read it, it wont be the same. It's funny though, i've never read a book twice despite the fact of how attached i get to the book. I can never read a book twice, it's simply impossible for me, which i suppose would be odd in retrospect. Tomorrow i'm going to finish Siddhartha, i'm very near the end so it should only take about an hour. I plan to begin reading another book after that as well, but i do have a lot on my plate already. I'm a huge slacker, i slack on just about everything, especially school work. I guess it's normal for a 16 year old girl but it's not good. My dad saw my progress report.
"Great job on maintaining a solid F this whole year." He told me, referring to my fat F on my Algebra 2 grade. I bet he barely took notice of my D in Spanish, my dad is such a geek when it comes to math and i suppose the only reason he really pays attention to it is because he knows it's my weak spot. I'm more of an English and Creative Arts student. Which brings me back to what he said about Drama, i can't join anymore plays if i continue maintaining my fat F. So.... there goes my happiness. But then again, who more can i blame but myself? I know i'm capable of learning putrid math but i dont dedicate myself to it. I expect everything to come to me easily and when it doesnt i get frustrated and give up on it...quickly. My accumilative GPA is a 2.6 which, sadly enough, is pretty good now a days when it comes to teenagers. I don't even have a 3.0 to take me to state, soooooo like i always say, things will always be alright; i'll keep comforting myself with the idea that i'll do kick ass in community college for the first two years and then transfer out to some elaborate college like USC or somethin like that. But i'm sure i wont really get anywhere (positive mind-set, have you noticed?), i'm sure i'll end up being an english teacher. You dont really need much to be a teacher but i really dont want to be a teacher who doesnt care, i have enough of those and i hate them. I want to be a teacher who really commits on the welfare of the student and as of now i don't believe i'll have the patience. But i'm only 16 and obviously have a lot of growing up to do. I'm still a kid and really, actually, immature for my age. Yeah sixteen year olds a rebellious but i'm not that really rebellious...i'm just a kid, i'd say my mind set is at the ten year old level. I mean, i even feel it with my 'friends'. and i actually feel i don't have friends, surprise....surprise. I dont think i've really had friends, ever. I dont think it's because of how i look but don't get me wrong i have a self-confidence at negative one, but i just know it's not that. I've always been a little...different from people but i don't stick out like a sore thumb. I'm more of the type of person you'd realize is really wierd through the air around me, i dont look like it, but you could sense it i suppose and once you actually meet me it's like 'ohhhh, i see.' I'm still not sure what draws and what pulls people away from me and i think because of that blindness it's prevented me from making real friends, people i actually want to be around with. And i don't have a problem with boys either, actually i can grab boys pretty good and tight. I'm actually really good with guys but dont take me as a disgusting, fart-liking girl. Oh believe me, i only have sisters and my dad is more of the silent, serious type. But, again, i'm not sure. I'm not all that pretty either, i'm not a Megan Fox or anything haha but i can grasp boys easily. Like there's this boy named Jeremy who keeps on insisting that we go out and eat, i was supposed to go to this restaurant called Dave & Busters with him today but i was real nervous about telling my mom. I did earlier like last week but when i brought it up this morning she had completely forgot and i thought it better if i just didnt say anything or go anywhere. I told him and he said it had been alright, we'd just go elsewhere some other time. Jeremy is very understand and very nice, he truly is, i was always able to read that from him. It was a strong vibe, especially when in English class he cried silently and i watched him. I wanted to ask what was wrong, (more for curious reasons rather than making him feel better) but i didnt say anything. I didnt bother, i did hug him though. Eh, i supposed i would be nice. I like it when people hug me when i'm sad & it's not everyday you see a 16 year old boy cry publically in a class full of fucking skillets and deep shits. So, i felt some sympathy. Well, anyways, Jeremy texted me last Friday out of no where and was like, "Let me get to know you better" Straight out. I was like, "Uh, yeah sure." So we've been texting since. He plays hockey and baseball, he absolutely adored his grandmother who passed away a couple years back, he has three younger sibilings (like me), his half mexican and half white, he likes tamales, and he has a lot of patience. I felt pretty wierd because i felt a little unsure of what i should tell him so i spit the physical bullshit. I was like, well, i'm in love with Forrest Gump and Megan Fox (no homo). and then he told me about his grandmama and how much of an inspiration he was in her life and that he loved her and all that. I was like, "Oh God, i know just how you feel, my grandfather died of cancer a couple years back too." When in reality he died in 1998 and i barely knew him and that i didnt even know he had cancer until he died and he lived in LA so i couldnt go to his funeral. He was like, "I'm sorry." And i was like, "Uh huh..." I felt like a waste, i mean, his grandmother? And my damn toothbrush? What the hell? That's why i'm not sure why guys like me and stick around for as long as they do, i'm pretty much a dumbass. There really only is one guy that can read me perfectly and his name is Kam and i met him this year in Chem and he was always able to read me like a damn book. He always picks at the worst parts of me though, he constantly tell me i have a low self esteem and that i need to work on my grades and that i have a negative output on life and that i have a short temper. It's ridiculous to think that since he's so...attentive to everything i am and do that he'd still be willing to be lovey-dovey with me. Oh yeah, my Drama teacher spills it all out on me, Griffindor (Mr. Griffin-Drama Teacher-Griffindor is a nickname, yeah i'm pretty cool like that) tells me that he is sprruuunnggggg. Griffindor tells me that he's dedicated and all that egg white. I've told Kam that if it's a committment he wants from me, he's not going to have it. But i guess he sort of blocked it out from his mind. Haha but like the whore that i am i don't remind him, i let him get touchy and lovey-dovey on me and i dont protest. But now that i'm getting close to Jeremy i'll begin to protest when he starts touching me. I don't want to be a two-timer, lead on type chick, even though my cousin already affirmed my paper work on TWO-TIMER, LEAD ON TYPE CHICK documentation. But i chose to erase that title well out of the face of the earth. Anyways, it's now 1:06 AM and i've been writing since 12:26. so this was a little great write because i've been wanting to explode a little, i'm not sure why but when i feel like this tomorrow i'll be sure to write. But i've got to memorize my damn Macbeth script, it's not that long at all actually but it's just hard for me to grasp the words. My mouth isnt used to the word placing, eh but Drama is where i have my patience. Funny, maybe i'll be a Drama teacher. I'm good like that. I can neglect my children and say that i'm acting HA! no wonder Griffindor is a happy man. Well, yeah, i'll memorize two paragraphs from Macbeth manana, then i'll finish Siddhartha, then i'll begin to read a new book. Sounds just about right.
"Great job on maintaining a solid F this whole year." He told me, referring to my fat F on my Algebra 2 grade. I bet he barely took notice of my D in Spanish, my dad is such a geek when it comes to math and i suppose the only reason he really pays attention to it is because he knows it's my weak spot. I'm more of an English and Creative Arts student. Which brings me back to what he said about Drama, i can't join anymore plays if i continue maintaining my fat F. So.... there goes my happiness. But then again, who more can i blame but myself? I know i'm capable of learning putrid math but i dont dedicate myself to it. I expect everything to come to me easily and when it doesnt i get frustrated and give up on it...quickly. My accumilative GPA is a 2.6 which, sadly enough, is pretty good now a days when it comes to teenagers. I don't even have a 3.0 to take me to state, soooooo like i always say, things will always be alright; i'll keep comforting myself with the idea that i'll do kick ass in community college for the first two years and then transfer out to some elaborate college like USC or somethin like that. But i'm sure i wont really get anywhere (positive mind-set, have you noticed?), i'm sure i'll end up being an english teacher. You dont really need much to be a teacher but i really dont want to be a teacher who doesnt care, i have enough of those and i hate them. I want to be a teacher who really commits on the welfare of the student and as of now i don't believe i'll have the patience. But i'm only 16 and obviously have a lot of growing up to do. I'm still a kid and really, actually, immature for my age. Yeah sixteen year olds a rebellious but i'm not that really rebellious...i'm just a kid, i'd say my mind set is at the ten year old level. I mean, i even feel it with my 'friends'. and i actually feel i don't have friends, surprise....surprise. I dont think i've really had friends, ever. I dont think it's because of how i look but don't get me wrong i have a self-confidence at negative one, but i just know it's not that. I've always been a little...different from people but i don't stick out like a sore thumb. I'm more of the type of person you'd realize is really wierd through the air around me, i dont look like it, but you could sense it i suppose and once you actually meet me it's like 'ohhhh, i see.' I'm still not sure what draws and what pulls people away from me and i think because of that blindness it's prevented me from making real friends, people i actually want to be around with. And i don't have a problem with boys either, actually i can grab boys pretty good and tight. I'm actually really good with guys but dont take me as a disgusting, fart-liking girl. Oh believe me, i only have sisters and my dad is more of the silent, serious type. But, again, i'm not sure. I'm not all that pretty either, i'm not a Megan Fox or anything haha but i can grasp boys easily. Like there's this boy named Jeremy who keeps on insisting that we go out and eat, i was supposed to go to this restaurant called Dave & Busters with him today but i was real nervous about telling my mom. I did earlier like last week but when i brought it up this morning she had completely forgot and i thought it better if i just didnt say anything or go anywhere. I told him and he said it had been alright, we'd just go elsewhere some other time. Jeremy is very understand and very nice, he truly is, i was always able to read that from him. It was a strong vibe, especially when in English class he cried silently and i watched him. I wanted to ask what was wrong, (more for curious reasons rather than making him feel better) but i didnt say anything. I didnt bother, i did hug him though. Eh, i supposed i would be nice. I like it when people hug me when i'm sad & it's not everyday you see a 16 year old boy cry publically in a class full of fucking skillets and deep shits. So, i felt some sympathy. Well, anyways, Jeremy texted me last Friday out of no where and was like, "Let me get to know you better" Straight out. I was like, "Uh, yeah sure." So we've been texting since. He plays hockey and baseball, he absolutely adored his grandmother who passed away a couple years back, he has three younger sibilings (like me), his half mexican and half white, he likes tamales, and he has a lot of patience. I felt pretty wierd because i felt a little unsure of what i should tell him so i spit the physical bullshit. I was like, well, i'm in love with Forrest Gump and Megan Fox (no homo). and then he told me about his grandmama and how much of an inspiration he was in her life and that he loved her and all that. I was like, "Oh God, i know just how you feel, my grandfather died of cancer a couple years back too." When in reality he died in 1998 and i barely knew him and that i didnt even know he had cancer until he died and he lived in LA so i couldnt go to his funeral. He was like, "I'm sorry." And i was like, "Uh huh..." I felt like a waste, i mean, his grandmother? And my damn toothbrush? What the hell? That's why i'm not sure why guys like me and stick around for as long as they do, i'm pretty much a dumbass. There really only is one guy that can read me perfectly and his name is Kam and i met him this year in Chem and he was always able to read me like a damn book. He always picks at the worst parts of me though, he constantly tell me i have a low self esteem and that i need to work on my grades and that i have a negative output on life and that i have a short temper. It's ridiculous to think that since he's so...attentive to everything i am and do that he'd still be willing to be lovey-dovey with me. Oh yeah, my Drama teacher spills it all out on me, Griffindor (Mr. Griffin-Drama Teacher-Griffindor is a nickname, yeah i'm pretty cool like that) tells me that he is sprruuunnggggg. Griffindor tells me that he's dedicated and all that egg white. I've told Kam that if it's a committment he wants from me, he's not going to have it. But i guess he sort of blocked it out from his mind. Haha but like the whore that i am i don't remind him, i let him get touchy and lovey-dovey on me and i dont protest. But now that i'm getting close to Jeremy i'll begin to protest when he starts touching me. I don't want to be a two-timer, lead on type chick, even though my cousin already affirmed my paper work on TWO-TIMER, LEAD ON TYPE CHICK documentation. But i chose to erase that title well out of the face of the earth. Anyways, it's now 1:06 AM and i've been writing since 12:26. so this was a little great write because i've been wanting to explode a little, i'm not sure why but when i feel like this tomorrow i'll be sure to write. But i've got to memorize my damn Macbeth script, it's not that long at all actually but it's just hard for me to grasp the words. My mouth isnt used to the word placing, eh but Drama is where i have my patience. Funny, maybe i'll be a Drama teacher. I'm good like that. I can neglect my children and say that i'm acting HA! no wonder Griffindor is a happy man. Well, yeah, i'll memorize two paragraphs from Macbeth manana, then i'll finish Siddhartha, then i'll begin to read a new book. Sounds just about right.
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