It's hard to like every song

I listen to. I'll just stick with these guys.

Who?

Oh thats right, my name is Kayla.

I want to be Darth Vader.

Twice in a hospital bed

I'll take care of you mama.

Bianca Jagger.

"My marriage ended on my wedding day."

400 Hours

"Don't make me say something I don't want you to hear."

"Say it."

SUCK IT.

"I like you a lot."
"What do you mean?"
"I like you a lot, as a person."
----------------------
"You're very infatuated with me, right? Is that really eveyrthing?"
"At this point, I can't say no. I mean, i dont KNOW you that well."
"You mean you "can" say no? Because you totally confused me right now, (lol-that fake shit humor)"
"haha yeah, whatever means no."
"Oh haha i feel better now."

WHAT IN THE FUCK WAS THIS? HE FUCKING TOLD ME HE LIKED ME AND TOOK IT BACK LIKE A GOD DAMN RETARD.

Why do you play stupid? Why in the fuck do you act like you don't know what i'm talking about? Because WE BOTH KNOW that you're not that stupid. You know you've been unfaithful, you KNOW what you got yourself into. What did you expect? Me to hop on your lap because you think i'm hot AND you've told me that? I know exactly how YOU work, i know exactly how guys work. I'm not stupid. Next time you want to fuck (in both terms) with me, be a MAN so it'll be funnier when i show the world how pussy you are. Damn jerk.

Blaze Starr

"I'd be a slut if i said yes to every boy."

"But i'm not every boy."

"What makes you so different?"

He didnt need to explain himself. I knew the answer.

Bitches and Hoes

I believe I have somewhat of a heart

I have given up an infatuation because of the welfare of his girlfriend

Though, he was down on his knees begging to have me.

Oh lord! Would it be vain to say that my life sucks because a guy that I like is begging me to be with him even though he's had the same girlfriend for a year and i have clearly pointed that out to him?

I think not.

Three can keep a secret, if two of them are dead.

One girl may be pretty.
Two aren't.

Fear The Beard.

I found the boy that can sing the other half of my song.

He's gay.

My eyes are swelling.

I got a worry doll from Guatemala. It was supposed to suck all my worries away.

It didn't work...

at all.

Love me.

They say hate doesn't exist but a "strong dislike" does.

I beg to differ.

Fuck with me.

I dont get "mad" EVER,

I get fucking pissed everyday.

Would you like to hear silly things?

I didn't fill out my college applications for a CSU because I was too scared of going, and i was more than capable of acceptance to a state university.

I enjoy the smell of cigarettes, is that an omen? Though, i don't smoke.

Is it fair that I'm always the 'mistress' with every boy i get involved with? Is it right that i have a miniscule enjoyment for it?

Sometimes I think of ways to runaway from home, even though my family is perfectly sane and my parents are as perfect as can be.

I want a boy whom everyone pushes away and mistrusts, the more they push and hate him, the more i want.

I think my life is terrible with great grades, confidence in boys, and a well established household.

I'm curious to see how far my rebellious mindset will take me.

No one man should have all that power.

It sucks when you realize how much power one has over you.

You should know who I am....

It's my way or the highway.

Quod me nutrit, me destruit.

I have bruises on my breasts. My hands began to quiver as i ran my fingers over the tiny purple plumps. The outcome of my nights begin to show on my skin, remenants that God doesnt think i deserve happiness or freedom. But that does not stop me from fighting more. I don't believe in God.

The Weekender's Halloween Special

I did a play. But it wasnt the play itself that made it incredible and because of that my life went down a black hole of "no senior life-ness". Mama said she should've had a tighter leash on me. She doesnt understand the concept of "tighter AND me." The tighter you pull, the farther i go. I dont mean to hurt her, or my cousin or my aunts. But...i kinda did and for that, im sorry. Would it be a lame, lifeless and emotionless excuse to say that i didnt think many people would care what time i came home to my aunts house with the smell of cigarettes in my hair, liquor stained on my tongue, a spinning mind due to weed and the sweater of the one man nobody ever wanted me near? No, I didnt think so. AND i didnt do it once, but twice. Twice in one weekend. Sorry. I am sorry for having you guys worry and cry over me. But im not sorry for what i did. If I would have known that this is how much everyone would have blown up the situation, i would have gotten drunk out of my mind and high off my ass and gone all the way with the guy. I was extremely infatuated with him, but i kept my boundaries (not wanting to- who is 19 to my 16 years of age by the way.) So, in result of my staying-out-late (for which that is the only thing they do know) I am no longer Wonder Woman for homecoming, i may get my phone taken away, i have lost all trust and respect from my parents and aunts, my cousin hates me, a sudden and unstable urge to kill myself and my surroundings, a life sentence in a bottomless pit filled with nothingness and a whole different person coming right out of it in the after math. I should have gotten pregnant.

Senior Year...

First day of senior year:

I'm not sure what to say about it. No, it wasn't the greatest experience in the whole freaking world and no, it wasn't the most horrible thing EVER (kinda). It was extremely awkward in fact. I didn't like it because of that but that also made me like it as well, no need to impress people I don't know. I just need to find my rhythm to the entire thing again. That's the hardest part of all. I'm out of my comfort spot all over again.

You know? The worst thing is that you could know one person in each class but they got their set of friends they would rather hang out with in the same class. Those, my dear, are called cliques and the thing about me is that i don't really have one. I have my cousin whom i hang out with everyday but she's not a clique, she's my family. Basically, i'm hanging with my sister. Not much of a 'friend catcher' but when i do find one...Jesus. It's one after the other after the other after the other. I 'recycle friends' also. It's great to be a freaking nomad in high school. I live in a bubble of awkwardness.

8: 00

I'm starting school tomorrow. I'm taking a sleeping pill in about an hour.

Oh Cherie Currie.

I wanna be a rockstar with a "dont-give-a-fuck-about-anything" persona. I wanna wear crazy makeup with leather pants and a skimpy shirt saying, "Sex pistol." How would that sound to your mommma?

Home

I'd know it's him when he sings the other half of the song.

.

Funny, i dont even know who the hell i'm not.

2: 55

This is the kind of life i wish i had. I would read for hours and simply take breaks just because my eyes began to hurt or because i was hungry or thirsty. Sometimes i wish i could just read forever, be lost in a world that isnt mine because its easier to claim a world that isnt yours then to live the life you already have.

12: 20

I want to learn how to surf. It seems pretty epic to me. Funny how i just have the urge to start surfing the last week of summer. Im a last minute kind of person if you havent noticed and it sucks sometimes. But this is what i want to do and i hope this urge sticks with me for about a year so then when summer comes around i get to get on that fucking board and just shred the waves man.

12: 10

I cant sleep. It sucks. I have many things in my mind and im wide awake. By this time (well this day) next week i'll be starting my senior year in high school. It blows. People always tell me that I should be excited starting my senior year, i'll be ruling the school, it's the greatest year, it's your LAST year...and every 'great' thing you could possibly think of after that. But to me, its just another year of school. Is that pessimistic? I've never been a school type person. School is for suckers. But i am an okay student, ive never cut a class BUT i have failed so i might as well have during Algebra II. My dad expects an A this year since im repeating it. I highly doubt that, when i fail my first test im dropping the course. I'll be finished with Algebra II in my high school career. If senior year is going to be my best year it's going to be without math. And again, it WILL be with math soooo... this sucks. Here comes the damn senior. Im not too happy about it. I swear my freshman year I was stolked a lot more than how i am now, a week before it all. Doesnt every person first coming into high school wish they were seniors? And now that im here i just want to skip it in its entirety. I dont want to be a senior, actually, i just dont want to go to school. Period. THEN i have college for like another six years. But thats college i guess. I heard its different. I was never a fan of high school, when i first got in i wanted out. I didnt want to be a senior because they were top dogs or because i thought they were 'cool' and got all the attention at school-no, it was only because i would have only one year left of this hell hole. Thats why and now that im here and i can taste the end i just want to skip the entire thing...

LET'S GO GRADUATING CLASS OF 2011!

1: 42

I feel suffocated.

1: 33

My taste in all things social is changing again. Just goes to show me, of all people, that i'm still trying to find myself. I wonder how long this is going to last because it's just peachy. I know these little 'life crisis' situations are hitting me hard when i stay up at night. You know what runs through my head? Red lipstick, tattoos on my arm, short hair, great & soft moccasins, my wool bag, school plays, a showoff during lunch, prom, magazines, San Francisco, help little girls with self-esteem issues, tooth pick skinny, a boy just as crazy as i am... But you know what? I highly doubt tattoos on my arm just yet, i'm not a giving person, i dont have red lipstick, i'm scared of short hair, i can't even drive to SF, i have nothing to show off during lunch, im too lazy to run miles to get tooth pick skinny & i ENJOY eating thank you, & i will not find a boy just as psycho as i am-well not here and i doubt now. I just enjoy pretending that i'll be someone, it's great actually. But then i wake up and realize that being a loser is the way to go! :)

6: 31

Sometimes i can't tell if a memory were a dream or not. I've always come to conflict with it. For as long as i could remember i've had vivid dreams, tormenting sometimes. And sometimes i wonder if what i fear at night is factual or just... a dream. There's a fine line between reality and dream and for me, it's blurred often. The dreams about monsters and creatures are just as real as me speaking to my sister in an afternoon. But it's fake, i know that. That doesn't take away my fear though. Little do people know that what i actually fear lies deep within my closet or around a corner. I have a phobia that i had just recently laughed off to my aunt and mother, I hesitate to open closed bathroom doors or stalls afraid of what lies behind it. I don't know why they're bathroom doors, but they simply are. The mind plays odd tricks on a person, almost cruel. Why? Well I wish I knew. I wish I knew why dreams would somehow play out as memories to me, I wish I knew why I'm so afraid of many, petty, things. But that's just how it all is I suppose.

12: 55

I've been wanting to write a story, a lovely one. One that means something. One that will take me years to finish, one that i wont get tired of writing. I want to write forever...but i cant. I cant ever figure out what to write, i can never quench the thirst i have for writing. Nothing is ever good enough when i try. It sucks.

My senior year is approaching. Im already nervous and scared and shy. Though i've been at this school for three years (this being my fourth) i'm still very nervous and i would rather just not go. I still feel like I know no one. It's a scary feeling always feeling like you're the new student. But there is a new drama department and im scared. I really have to put myself out there, i mean, i've done it a million times before but now its different. I dont want to have to embarrass myself with the games, i dont want it to be difficult, i cant hide behind my fellow mates. I have to step it up and i kind of dont want to. I feel like a new person though.

By the way; i'm done with boys.

2: 52

God i want to fucking do something.I want to wear bright red lipstick everyday and not worry that it'll smudge. I want to smoke 30 fucking cigarettes a day and not worry about lung damage. I want to wear the craziest heels and not worry that i'll trip. I want to wear the most obscure clothes and not worry how my body looks in them. I want to live my God damned life and not worry about anything at all. I should live my life like that.

Today was a good day.

11: 07

>You dont know me
>You dont know what i've done or what i've said or what i've thought
>There's no one to blame but yourself for lack of knowing your daughter
>Everything else blame me for, go ahead.
>I wont pretend
>I cant pretend
>I'll do things may way negatively or positively
>And NO ONE can stop me

Today was a good day.

1: Thirty FUCKING Six

>I am no girlfriend

>Why?

>Cause I fucked a guy, who was not my boyfriend, on the dance floor and it was GREAT

>I'm lustful of him, nothing more

>I'll wait and see if i get fucked in the ass for this one

Today was a good day.

9: fucking fifty

>Why dont you listen to me?

>Why doesnt anyone listen to me?

>Why do you have so much faith in humanity?

Today was a good day.

10: Oh fetchy Seven

>Why doesnt anybody sing like Axl Rose, Steven Tyler, Bret Michaels?
>Their rock & roll voices seemed to have gone extinct
>All good has gone extinct nowadays
>"Thats what you get when you have a crackhead as a father, a brother who shoots & a sister who pops pills" He laughes
>Her grandmother thought she was incredibly ugly in her prom dress, her mother licks the last drops at the bottom of the liquor bottle then forgets. She cries
>What is normality?

Today was a good day.

8: 3 cunfizzled 8

>"Oh, she wanted me to invite you to her party."

>"Did she say that cause she feels bad for me?"

>She looked at me with her swollen, glistening eyes

>I quickly looked away, not baring her look

>"Psh, noooo. Of course not..."

>She didnt believe me but she went along with it, glad she did

>THAT was the aftermath of a boyfriend?

>One day, because of the boyfriend i have now, will cause me to look like that

>Is it worth it?

Today was a good day.

10: Forty God damned Eight

>He's not a virgin.
>Do you know how I feel inside?
>Not that loosing virginity signifies love, especially at my age
>I want to see him now more than ever
>And again, he's not a virgin.
>Im not sure if im comfortable, or if im afraid, or its alright
>Yeah, it may not be a big deal to you but it is to me.
>Im not going to tell him, im not going to say anything
>What he did in his past is his business
>But curiousty killed the cat
>How do i feel?
>Well, im not fucking sure.


Today was a good day.

6: 5 spunky 1

>Why have i not written on here for over two months?

>i'm not sure

> Why am i doing it now?

>Because there's nothing to do, because I had just finished my homework

>I have stories pilling in my head

>Am i writing them?

>No.

>Why?

>I dont know

>What has happened these past two months to me?

>A lot. He doesnt matter at all to me anymore

>I went to prom

>I smoked again

>I'm talking to an old flame

>A friend disowned me by assumption

>She cried

>I cried

>I told a secret

>He told a secret

>I dont know what i'm doing

Today was a good day.

7: Putrid 11

>April fucking Fools.
>"I'm tired of crying", "It's good for you."
>Never let the monster out of it's cage, there is a reason why it's in the cage
>I overcame a fear, "Courageous, strong, beautiful." Is what they said
>I knew deep inside, they said it to stop my agony
>Emotion of 16 years of life at it's edge
>"Prom?"
>He smiled, "Yeah, i'll go."
>My head spinning, my heart palpitating, screams ready to burst from my chest
>I told them, "God, finally. I knew he would say yes, i knew it." They told me.
>Seventh Period, "Hey, i'm sorry i-i cant go. I'm talking to someone and she got mad."
>"Oh, no. No, it's alright I get it."
>My head spinning, my heart palpitating, screams ready to burst from my chest
>"I'm tired of crying.", "It's good for you."
>Who should i have believed? My truth or their lies?
>I'm done.

Today was a good day.

5: 4 physco 7

>Yue, Lluna, Luna, Bulan, Fengari, Maan, Moon
>I shall create my own religion
>The moon is my goddess, she is who i shall be praying to
>I cried a lot
>Sleep is a scarcity, always has been
>I cried
>He told me he loved me & gave me a gift
>I cried
>I knew I failed the test
>I cried
>I met a liar and wondered what people have lied about
>I cried

Today was a good day

1: Oh Freakishly Thirty-Four

>"You had a talent."
>"If you would have listened to me, you wouldnt be worrying about college right now."
>If i had loved the game, I would have kept playing.
>If I would have played the game I would be thinner, I would be faster, I would be great, I wouldnt need to worry about college because it'd be given to me on a silver platter
>If I would have played the game, I would be miserable.
>Because I can kick a ball much better than thousands of other girls, I would have my life set. I would have half the worries I have now.
>But because I can kick a ball BETTER, I stopped playing and the prediction for the rest of my life would revolve around this quote:
>"Why did I stop playing?"

Today was a good day.

9: Forty Bloody Seven

>I watched him stare at me. But I knew I wouldn't do anything. Nor would he.

>"Why am i going to pay $86 for a test you're going to fail?" Thank you for the confidence I have had my entire life.

>I know how to sneak out late at night

>I want to be Joan Jett

>I tasted my old self & missed it

Today was a good day.

9:0 Damningly 6

>He 'appropriately' called me beautiful while my mother called me cruel, ugly and evil

>"Wow, no one has ever talked to me that way."

>My name should have been Clarisse

>It isn't about him anymore. Its about me.

>You dont have a clue about who i am, but you know me.

>"I think you're pretty cute, i want to go on a date with you."

Today was a good day.

9: Fifty fucking Six

>Went to San Francisco
>Blazed.
>Watched a whole God damned play
>Dad finally saw my F+ in Algebra II
>Ate four Oreos
>Finished half of my homework for every subject
>Accomplished the goal of being exactly the child every parent wants

Today was a good day.

11:37

Well, my emotions sway ridiculously. I may think i'm on crack. Do you know how frustrating I am? No, probably not. But, let me tell you, I am. I have (his name i will not mention but he is completely good looking, i'll call him 'Looker') Looker being served to me on a silver platter and i wont even reach out for him. He probably doesnt even realize that he's being hand-delivered to me, but he is and by God i just want to grab him. But...i cant. Many things are holding me back, for instance: If i get turned down, well, i'll stop myself from ever liking anyone again (I'm just like that). But also, on a serious note, i dont like how when Looker is gone one day my heart suddenly beings to palpitate for someone else. Hell, i plan on telling this other guy (We'll call him 'Pine') that i have this enormous crush on him. You see, i'm even running it through my head, here let me give you a taste of what i imagine:



I am sitting on the steps of the school quad, it's cloudy outside, but the day's darkness does not dull his appearance. He continues to stick out like a sore-thumb, I would suppose like any other loved boy on this campus. I shove my hands between my thighs, hiding it's tremble from my friends who sit blindly beside me silently devoured in their own thoughts. I am afraid to look at him, as though my thoughts and emotions would somehow be revealed through my glances. So I force myself to continue glancing at the sky, it's difficult and within seconds i don't succeed. I need to look at him again and when i do, i find him looking back. At that moment I knew i would have to walk to him and confess. But I continue sitting, my heart beginning to pound loudly, my mind tipping in one direction, my joints locking. "I'll be right back." I tell my friends as i stand up clumsily, walking away fast enough so they did not have to ask where i was going or what i was about to do. There was nothing less that i had wanted then for them to know exactly what i was doing so they could giggle and smile as i spoke to him from afar. But nothing stops their stares from burning my back as i walk up to him, he looks at me as i take my steps towards him. Awareness that i was approaching him seeped into his facial expression, his eyebrows rise and he shifts in the slightest. I call his name and pull him aside from a few of his friends, i pretend as though i'm going to say something casual so his friends dont have to stare at us and ask him what i had wanted after i confessed to him that i had 'feelings' for him. So, here I am, with 'Pine' and suddenly i dont know what the hell i'm doing here. I stare at him awkwardly feeling like a dumbass as my heart speeds again. But I am already here, i've already done too much to push him away. So i swallow my fear and smile, making myself comfortable. I start out by a simple 'Hi.' And he smiles, his dimples deepen in both his cheeks. At that moment i had wanted to run, maybe it wasnt too late. But i stop myself again, this was my moment. I hadnt wanted to give him, "Well, i havent done this in awhile but...I like you, a lot. What do you think?" So instead, i say 'Hi.' again. 'Hi.' He replies back, i could feel the awkwardness. Normally i wouldnt speak to him out of class, so not only was i going to confess my feelings but i was actually going to start an actual conversation out of class. What a dumbass, i told myself. 'I have this crush on you, i really do and can you just...you know? Not tell anyone? Because I dont really want anyone bugging me about it.' It comes out jumbled, probably lost within the air. I expected him to say, 'Huh?' Simply because i couldnt hear my own thoughts because of my heart beat, i could feel it pulsing in my wrists and in my ears. Then suddenly i walk away before he could say anything, i didnt exactly want to hear it. I only confessed to him because I wanted to tell him how i felt, not because i wanted to hear how he felt. And now that these confessions have been spoken aloud, let's wait until the next morning to see if the air will be so much harder to breathe in.


That is what i imagine as my confession, i'm not sure if that moment will actually happen nor the fact that i would be confessing anything to him but...it's a lot easier to imagine what should happen. I'm not sure what sets him a side from so many people, even Looker, but i like it and i like it a lot. These are pretty unfamiliar feelings.

11:48

I can't sleep. It's funny how my parents used to tell me to read when i went to bed because it would get me tired. It never worked, actually, reading kept me up like this. Awake at: 11:38 pm. I mean, its no big deal, it's Friday, tomorrow is Saturday so...its fine. I want to write about how much reading and writing seems to take up my entire life, how i am constantly reminded that all i want to do for the rest of my life is read and write. Do you know how much i am in love with Jodi Picoult? How much her work constantly inspires me? I try not to read her books so quickly, it's like eating too fast. You dont savour the taste and thats what i constantly try to do with Jodi Picoult. But it doesnt work at times, her books keep me at the edge of my seat. I flip through the pages actually when i become anxious to know what happens, not because i get bored with the book. God no. I'm just so eager. I love her writing, it's like magic. I can see everything, i can taste and smell everything and most of all i can feel what the characters are feeling. She breaks my heart, she makes me fall in love, she makes me afraid of what love really is for a partner in life, a parent and even a child. Jodi Picoult places me in her books, i am not just a reader, i'm not just reading, i am experiencing it all. She lets me experience situations in ways i can not explain. In every single one of her books she has never failed to move me. I've read lots of books but none seem to really move me as much as Jodi Picoult, i'm not putting any of the other books down. Each is marvellous in their own magical way, but Jodi Picoult nearly stops my heart. It's beautiful, constantly brings tears to my eyes.
Because of the way Jodi Picoult puts readers into the books, my pulse for writing continues. Because i find that feeling so remarkable i want to be able to have that talent as well, i want to be able to pull the reader into the story to experience it. To live it. Because of her, she inspires me to write so much more. Yeah, i'm not sure if i'll ever be a best-selling author but...writing just seems good enough for me. I mainly write for myself, i normally dont show people my stories. I'm not sure why, but i dont. They're all kind of personal. But that's okay, whatever i become...well...i will just become i suppose.

Shutter Island

You know, i've never gotten over my love for Leonardo Dicaprio. I watched Shutter Island this morning and it was amazing, it was also a movie i dont think i'd ever see. I havent seen a scary movie since i was like 5, i've sworn off scary movies just for the fact that i would not be able to sleep for the next three weeks. Litterally. But this movie wasnt scary, yeah i closed my eyes a few times because I thought it was supposed to scare me, but it didnt. It was really sad actually, i came out crying. It's a great story, great stories like that constantly inspire me to write so far beyond what i know i'm capable of. Either way, i'm inspired, i feel that juice in me. It's great. But i must admit that i wouldnt stop staring at Leonardo Dicaprio's big blue eyes. I was practically in a daze everytime they closed up on his eyes. Oh he's beautiful. It's like, he's not even hot, he's just...beautiful. God, i love him.
I am now inspired to write an amazing story though, one that has a big twist at the end, one that makes your eyes well up because a part of the story had been so unexpected. I have that crave in me but it'll be really difficult if i even try. Either way, i think i'll try anyways. Doesnt it seem fun if i would just simply try? I mean, no way will my writing compare to Martin Scorcessee (spelling?), but...who's comparing?

9:23

You ever wonder what it would be like to live back in time? Like the 20s, 50s, 60s, 70s & 80s? I do it often and sometimes i wish i did live back in the old days when Marilyn Monroe was alive or when i could hear Jo Stafford on the radio or when i could dance pretty amazingly, i could go to the movies to go watch Charlie Chaplin or go to a game and watch Babe Ruth. Wouldnt it be cool if i were a flapper? If i wore what the women wore at the time? Wouldnt it be cool if i could anticipate a brand new episode of I Love Lucy? You know me and my cousin used to stay up forever and watch I love Lucy every night on Nick At Night when they used to show it. Even now when they show marathons on the Hallmark channel, i'll watch it all. It makes me laugh so hard.
What really gets me is the just the outfits people used to wear. I saw a movie called Stand By Me lately and it took place in the 1950s and i took notice of what the kids wore, with their pants pulled high, their shirts tucked in, their hair slicked back....they looked pretty hot to me. I would so rather have pants riding up a guy's ass like that than having them down at their ankles. I couldnt stop staring at the actor Kefier Sutherland, he looked so cool when he was younger, he always played the bad ass like in Lost Boys too. God his hair was amazing and to tell you the truth he's not amazingly HOT, he's actually not hot at all but he's a very bad boy. And that is very attractive, he's the classic looking bad boy. I love staring at him when he comes out in those old movies. And his voice is pretty freaking cool too.
I wanna learn how to do The Charleston. Do you know how amazing it would be if i learned how to move like that? It's so funny to see but it seems like so much fun and it's so hard to believe that people actually danced like that. I mean even kids like me. Instead of grinding and humping eachother on the dance floor, we'd be doing The Charleston in flowy skirts and dresses and guys would be in their high water pants with their cool ass collers. Oh, that sounds so much more funner than now. Damn, i just wish time would come back, tradition would come back. My generation has done nothing to contribute to society, we have no Marilyn Monroe, we have no Babe Ruth, we have no 'The Charleston'. You know what we have? Robert Pattinson, Kobe Bryant and 'Jerking'. Now, tell me, is my generation the most pathetic ever? Of course i was born in this era.

5:15

I think about you... a lot. Is that wierd? I don't want to, I didnt plan on it and nor do i have any faith in my day dreams and yet, i'm still thinking about you. I actually don't know you all that well either, i don't know your favorite color, i don't know how you like your eggs and i really dont know what you want. I'm not even sure if i pass through your mind at all after we get out of class. This sounds like a cheesy poem, yeah, i know. But it's true. I'm writing this instead of studying for English and Algebra II. Yeah, i shouldnt blame you for tomorrow's failure on both my quizes, but hey, i already blame you for everything else.
It makes me happy when i wake up in the morning and realize that i'm going to see you. That's not creepy, is it? Cause God i think i'm sounding like a creeper. But it's true. You havent done anything at all in my life to make me think of you this much, hell, i dont think you've done anything at all to contribute to my life and nor have i done anything to yours and yet you're still placed right in the middle of my mind. You take up all it's space. You'll probably think this is really wierd, creepy and maybe VERY cheesy if you somehow find a way to read this and know that it's you. Which i completely doubt because I dont tell anybody about these posts, so what odds would it be if you found out this was about you? I think my world would crash down, embarrassment would finally eat me away and i will never write anything ever again. So, let's hope that you may never find this and realize who it's about.




....then again, what if you feel the same way too?

Stupid Horoscope

Stupid horoscope. I have a tendency to bounce back, a 'reputation', so called. GOD, i think this has everything to do with guys. Do you know how intimidated i am by them? Yeah i get a lot of guys flirting with me and sometimes they get me into trouble but do i ever actually build a relationship? No. I hope i'm not the type to tap and leave, not actually indicating that i got 'tapped'. Oh believe me, i'm super picky with the way guys even look at me, i have to be in absolute love with someone to get 'tapped'.
Stupid horoscope, telling me what i already know. I know what's going on in my mind but i dont know whats really going on in my life. Whatever. I just have my mind on one particular guy who seems to be way out of my league. He's a senior, seems to be constantly lost in his own world and sometimes he gives me distasteful looks and sometimes he simply stares. I'm not sure if he actually notices me at all and the last thing i want to do is make myself known and then be discouraged by his too-big ego. Does he even have one? He looks like it, i mean, why not? He's a great looking guy, perfect teeth, great body, great actor. Wtf? Why would he even look at me? He should have girls drooling for him. Stupid horoscope, stupid valentines day. God, if he gets anything for valentine's day i think i'll cry. Damn, i'm fucking retarded.

Continuation....

I want to be Salvador Domingo Felipe Jacinto Dali. He was not trapped in the depths of time and reality like the rest of humanity was... is. He took in Einstein's Theory Of Relativity that rethinks the rigidity of time and it's subsequent, man-imposed restraints. His world was built through insanity, yet, finding his own sanity inside him visible through his painting, photographs, sculptures and even his outer demeanor. I crave to be Salvador Domingo Felipe Jacinto Dali, though, not even he was his own person. His name "Salvador" was given to him by the belief that he was his brother reincarnated. In technicality he was his brother. Otherwise that, being Salvador Domingo Felipe Jacinto Dali or his brother would seem like a much better way to live.

I listened silently to the muffled rhythms of Aiden and Jaclyn, it was an obscure moment, little did they argue. I strained to hear the words of my brother, whose nature was calm and serene and only rarely did he raise his tone. Nor had i been used to Jaclyn's high pitched voice, though not as serene as my brother, she never had a reputation to argue with him.

"Mama?" Lily gurgled as she sat lazily on my lap. She used 'mama' to describe everything in her world, it was the only word she knew. Only this time did i know she actually referred to her mother, i nodded in silence. "Mama is talking to papa." I answered her as she stared at me with her brilliant blue eyes. She continued staring at me as if she expected more of an answer, discomfort bubbled in my chest. "What is it?" I cooed grabbing the remote that sat besides me, raising the volume until we were drenched with the chaos of I Love Lucy. After another moment of staring she lied her head against my chest and television silently.

"She's sleeping?" Aiden poked his head through my bedroom door. I looked up at him, his face calm without a wrinkle on his face. I nodded, "She fell asleep about an hour ago." I stared at the clock, it was nearly eleven. He walked in and closed the door behind him, he sat at the edge of the bed and sighed. "Where's Jackie?" I whispered, placing the baby on the bed. He rolled his eyes, as though annoyed, "She went to bed."

9:26

Sometimes i wish i could just vanish, i'm not sure where i would want to go. But 'go' is what i want to do. I'm frustrated with everything, i don't know how to do the simplest things in everyday life, my mind is constantly wrapped around things that really...have no importance. But though they have no importance, i'd rather keep my mind on that. Everything else that has to be thought will drive me to insanity. Maybe that's why we have imagination and the ability to focus on other things because if all we focused on was what needed to be done and what needed to be perfect we'd go insane. Then again...maybe insanity would be a good thing. I'm not being dark or emo or any of that shit. It's just something to think about while i fail at everything and realize that i will get no where in this putrid life. But again, it's my frustration speaking. By tomorrow morning i'm sure i'll be fine again, not thinking much of life. Just living it day by day, night by night.
It's funny, you know what drove me to my frustration today? Math. No, i didnt get into an argument, no i didnt hurt anyone else, no i didnt lose something. But simply math. It's funny how easily it dominates my life and emotions. It's funny how it controls my entire day. But because of fucking math my life will go down the drain, isnt that odd? Because i dont know how to compute simple equations i will not be able to feed my children, i will not be able to shelter myself, i will be dependent on a man. Why? Because i cant add 2+2. That's fucking why. Why in the fuck should i suffer? Hm? Why in the fuck should i bring down my future family? Why? I try and i suppose i dont try hard enough. I mean, holy fucking shit. Really? Because i cant compute math i will skip out on prom, i will skip out on a great college, i will skip out on great husbands, i will skip out in children. If i can't support myself, i will not have children. No matter how bad i would want them. I havent gotten to the point of complete and honest stupidity and luckily i know i wont be getting there anytime soon. Yeah.
I finished my homework, i do actually all of my homework, excusing one or two assignments. Other than that, i do it. But she weights our grade 60% on tests and quizes. Failing one quiz will bring me down to an F....and it did. I can feel my rage boiling again. I sort of want to cry, i feel it building in my chest but when i normally cry it brings out the worst in me. I think it makes matters so much more worse if i cry. I dont like crying. I just get really, really pissed.
I never really get mad though, i get enraged. No matter how big or small the conflict may be, i get enraged. That quality is the worst possible and it doesnt help much. I wont get over that anytime soon, i will get better, but the rage wont go away and i'm not so sure why.

10:10

POSITIVE THINKING
it's quite difficult to sleep while it's pouring outside
your jaw feels like it's been stretched out to it's breaking point
your sinuses are about to explode
you chugged tea that you absolutely despise
you get headaches right when your head hits the pillow
and you have school on Wednesday, THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW. yeah, even that thought kills me.
Holy shit. Kill me, please.

10:13

Happy fucking new year :) you know, i got really sad during New Years. I normally do. This time though, i noticed how quickly time is passing. Jeeze, 2010 already? I'm graduating next year which places me in a really stressful area in my life. I have to basically figure everything out this year, i have to grow up this year and i kind of don't want to. I mean, i'm excited about it but again i'm really terrified. Wow, i can't be the goofy, dorky kid i normally am. This sucks, i have to really suppress everything i am when i grow up.
On a lighter note i had a nice time at my aunts for New Years Eve. We played some games and ate a lot. I enjoyed spending my time there with them, i also stayed the night which i normally dont do because my aunt and her boyfriend (which is also my cousin on my mother's side, my aunt is on my father's side) always argue. I hate listening to it and it actually scares me a bit. My cousin has issues (he really does) and it scares me a lot. I dont like being around him when he's arguing or when he's drunk. Its not nice. But i stayed up until 3 watching Wonder Woman, it's pretty cool to see that. I love Wonder Woman a lot and the Amazons, they're like these ultra-mega babes who dont need men in their lives, they dont need men to be women. Female power, but then again, i mean, i want men in my life. Please, i wont be able to live without them haha But i just really like how Wonder Woman and The Amazons emphasize female power.
Well i start school on Monday and i have been fighting it. Holy shit, i have never ever felt this bad about going to school ever. I hate school, especially now. I have damn finals the week after amazing arrival. I hate having to go back into reality, i'm at peace doing absolutely nothing and just typing and reading away. God, that's why i think i should persue a career in English and Creative Writing, i can last forever without ever getting bored of it. I'll end up being a teacher though, i already now that deep in my heart. I know i'll become a teacher, it's the easiest way to be connected to literature for the rest of my life. I'll probably get bored just teaching the same thing every single year and having to repeat myself for, like, 5 periods. And believe me, if i get a sassy student...i will slap them into yesterday. My temper is very short, so that makes me doubt becoming a teacher but i'm sure i'll be one anyways.
Well, i'm pretty effin tired. I didnt do shit today except memorize another paragraph from Macbeth, pretty good. I was so into it that my mom came upstairs and thought i was arguing with my sister. I'm pretty good at portraying murderous wives haha