9:26

Sometimes i wish i could just vanish, i'm not sure where i would want to go. But 'go' is what i want to do. I'm frustrated with everything, i don't know how to do the simplest things in everyday life, my mind is constantly wrapped around things that really...have no importance. But though they have no importance, i'd rather keep my mind on that. Everything else that has to be thought will drive me to insanity. Maybe that's why we have imagination and the ability to focus on other things because if all we focused on was what needed to be done and what needed to be perfect we'd go insane. Then again...maybe insanity would be a good thing. I'm not being dark or emo or any of that shit. It's just something to think about while i fail at everything and realize that i will get no where in this putrid life. But again, it's my frustration speaking. By tomorrow morning i'm sure i'll be fine again, not thinking much of life. Just living it day by day, night by night.
It's funny, you know what drove me to my frustration today? Math. No, i didnt get into an argument, no i didnt hurt anyone else, no i didnt lose something. But simply math. It's funny how easily it dominates my life and emotions. It's funny how it controls my entire day. But because of fucking math my life will go down the drain, isnt that odd? Because i dont know how to compute simple equations i will not be able to feed my children, i will not be able to shelter myself, i will be dependent on a man. Why? Because i cant add 2+2. That's fucking why. Why in the fuck should i suffer? Hm? Why in the fuck should i bring down my future family? Why? I try and i suppose i dont try hard enough. I mean, holy fucking shit. Really? Because i cant compute math i will skip out on prom, i will skip out on a great college, i will skip out on great husbands, i will skip out in children. If i can't support myself, i will not have children. No matter how bad i would want them. I havent gotten to the point of complete and honest stupidity and luckily i know i wont be getting there anytime soon. Yeah.
I finished my homework, i do actually all of my homework, excusing one or two assignments. Other than that, i do it. But she weights our grade 60% on tests and quizes. Failing one quiz will bring me down to an F....and it did. I can feel my rage boiling again. I sort of want to cry, i feel it building in my chest but when i normally cry it brings out the worst in me. I think it makes matters so much more worse if i cry. I dont like crying. I just get really, really pissed.
I never really get mad though, i get enraged. No matter how big or small the conflict may be, i get enraged. That quality is the worst possible and it doesnt help much. I wont get over that anytime soon, i will get better, but the rage wont go away and i'm not so sure why.

10:10

POSITIVE THINKING
it's quite difficult to sleep while it's pouring outside
your jaw feels like it's been stretched out to it's breaking point
your sinuses are about to explode
you chugged tea that you absolutely despise
you get headaches right when your head hits the pillow
and you have school on Wednesday, THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW. yeah, even that thought kills me.
Holy shit. Kill me, please.

10:13

Happy fucking new year :) you know, i got really sad during New Years. I normally do. This time though, i noticed how quickly time is passing. Jeeze, 2010 already? I'm graduating next year which places me in a really stressful area in my life. I have to basically figure everything out this year, i have to grow up this year and i kind of don't want to. I mean, i'm excited about it but again i'm really terrified. Wow, i can't be the goofy, dorky kid i normally am. This sucks, i have to really suppress everything i am when i grow up.
On a lighter note i had a nice time at my aunts for New Years Eve. We played some games and ate a lot. I enjoyed spending my time there with them, i also stayed the night which i normally dont do because my aunt and her boyfriend (which is also my cousin on my mother's side, my aunt is on my father's side) always argue. I hate listening to it and it actually scares me a bit. My cousin has issues (he really does) and it scares me a lot. I dont like being around him when he's arguing or when he's drunk. Its not nice. But i stayed up until 3 watching Wonder Woman, it's pretty cool to see that. I love Wonder Woman a lot and the Amazons, they're like these ultra-mega babes who dont need men in their lives, they dont need men to be women. Female power, but then again, i mean, i want men in my life. Please, i wont be able to live without them haha But i just really like how Wonder Woman and The Amazons emphasize female power.
Well i start school on Monday and i have been fighting it. Holy shit, i have never ever felt this bad about going to school ever. I hate school, especially now. I have damn finals the week after amazing arrival. I hate having to go back into reality, i'm at peace doing absolutely nothing and just typing and reading away. God, that's why i think i should persue a career in English and Creative Writing, i can last forever without ever getting bored of it. I'll end up being a teacher though, i already now that deep in my heart. I know i'll become a teacher, it's the easiest way to be connected to literature for the rest of my life. I'll probably get bored just teaching the same thing every single year and having to repeat myself for, like, 5 periods. And believe me, if i get a sassy student...i will slap them into yesterday. My temper is very short, so that makes me doubt becoming a teacher but i'm sure i'll be one anyways.
Well, i'm pretty effin tired. I didnt do shit today except memorize another paragraph from Macbeth, pretty good. I was so into it that my mom came upstairs and thought i was arguing with my sister. I'm pretty good at portraying murderous wives haha