11:37

Well, my emotions sway ridiculously. I may think i'm on crack. Do you know how frustrating I am? No, probably not. But, let me tell you, I am. I have (his name i will not mention but he is completely good looking, i'll call him 'Looker') Looker being served to me on a silver platter and i wont even reach out for him. He probably doesnt even realize that he's being hand-delivered to me, but he is and by God i just want to grab him. But...i cant. Many things are holding me back, for instance: If i get turned down, well, i'll stop myself from ever liking anyone again (I'm just like that). But also, on a serious note, i dont like how when Looker is gone one day my heart suddenly beings to palpitate for someone else. Hell, i plan on telling this other guy (We'll call him 'Pine') that i have this enormous crush on him. You see, i'm even running it through my head, here let me give you a taste of what i imagine:



I am sitting on the steps of the school quad, it's cloudy outside, but the day's darkness does not dull his appearance. He continues to stick out like a sore-thumb, I would suppose like any other loved boy on this campus. I shove my hands between my thighs, hiding it's tremble from my friends who sit blindly beside me silently devoured in their own thoughts. I am afraid to look at him, as though my thoughts and emotions would somehow be revealed through my glances. So I force myself to continue glancing at the sky, it's difficult and within seconds i don't succeed. I need to look at him again and when i do, i find him looking back. At that moment I knew i would have to walk to him and confess. But I continue sitting, my heart beginning to pound loudly, my mind tipping in one direction, my joints locking. "I'll be right back." I tell my friends as i stand up clumsily, walking away fast enough so they did not have to ask where i was going or what i was about to do. There was nothing less that i had wanted then for them to know exactly what i was doing so they could giggle and smile as i spoke to him from afar. But nothing stops their stares from burning my back as i walk up to him, he looks at me as i take my steps towards him. Awareness that i was approaching him seeped into his facial expression, his eyebrows rise and he shifts in the slightest. I call his name and pull him aside from a few of his friends, i pretend as though i'm going to say something casual so his friends dont have to stare at us and ask him what i had wanted after i confessed to him that i had 'feelings' for him. So, here I am, with 'Pine' and suddenly i dont know what the hell i'm doing here. I stare at him awkwardly feeling like a dumbass as my heart speeds again. But I am already here, i've already done too much to push him away. So i swallow my fear and smile, making myself comfortable. I start out by a simple 'Hi.' And he smiles, his dimples deepen in both his cheeks. At that moment i had wanted to run, maybe it wasnt too late. But i stop myself again, this was my moment. I hadnt wanted to give him, "Well, i havent done this in awhile but...I like you, a lot. What do you think?" So instead, i say 'Hi.' again. 'Hi.' He replies back, i could feel the awkwardness. Normally i wouldnt speak to him out of class, so not only was i going to confess my feelings but i was actually going to start an actual conversation out of class. What a dumbass, i told myself. 'I have this crush on you, i really do and can you just...you know? Not tell anyone? Because I dont really want anyone bugging me about it.' It comes out jumbled, probably lost within the air. I expected him to say, 'Huh?' Simply because i couldnt hear my own thoughts because of my heart beat, i could feel it pulsing in my wrists and in my ears. Then suddenly i walk away before he could say anything, i didnt exactly want to hear it. I only confessed to him because I wanted to tell him how i felt, not because i wanted to hear how he felt. And now that these confessions have been spoken aloud, let's wait until the next morning to see if the air will be so much harder to breathe in.


That is what i imagine as my confession, i'm not sure if that moment will actually happen nor the fact that i would be confessing anything to him but...it's a lot easier to imagine what should happen. I'm not sure what sets him a side from so many people, even Looker, but i like it and i like it a lot. These are pretty unfamiliar feelings.

11:48

I can't sleep. It's funny how my parents used to tell me to read when i went to bed because it would get me tired. It never worked, actually, reading kept me up like this. Awake at: 11:38 pm. I mean, its no big deal, it's Friday, tomorrow is Saturday so...its fine. I want to write about how much reading and writing seems to take up my entire life, how i am constantly reminded that all i want to do for the rest of my life is read and write. Do you know how much i am in love with Jodi Picoult? How much her work constantly inspires me? I try not to read her books so quickly, it's like eating too fast. You dont savour the taste and thats what i constantly try to do with Jodi Picoult. But it doesnt work at times, her books keep me at the edge of my seat. I flip through the pages actually when i become anxious to know what happens, not because i get bored with the book. God no. I'm just so eager. I love her writing, it's like magic. I can see everything, i can taste and smell everything and most of all i can feel what the characters are feeling. She breaks my heart, she makes me fall in love, she makes me afraid of what love really is for a partner in life, a parent and even a child. Jodi Picoult places me in her books, i am not just a reader, i'm not just reading, i am experiencing it all. She lets me experience situations in ways i can not explain. In every single one of her books she has never failed to move me. I've read lots of books but none seem to really move me as much as Jodi Picoult, i'm not putting any of the other books down. Each is marvellous in their own magical way, but Jodi Picoult nearly stops my heart. It's beautiful, constantly brings tears to my eyes.
Because of the way Jodi Picoult puts readers into the books, my pulse for writing continues. Because i find that feeling so remarkable i want to be able to have that talent as well, i want to be able to pull the reader into the story to experience it. To live it. Because of her, she inspires me to write so much more. Yeah, i'm not sure if i'll ever be a best-selling author but...writing just seems good enough for me. I mainly write for myself, i normally dont show people my stories. I'm not sure why, but i dont. They're all kind of personal. But that's okay, whatever i become...well...i will just become i suppose.

Shutter Island

You know, i've never gotten over my love for Leonardo Dicaprio. I watched Shutter Island this morning and it was amazing, it was also a movie i dont think i'd ever see. I havent seen a scary movie since i was like 5, i've sworn off scary movies just for the fact that i would not be able to sleep for the next three weeks. Litterally. But this movie wasnt scary, yeah i closed my eyes a few times because I thought it was supposed to scare me, but it didnt. It was really sad actually, i came out crying. It's a great story, great stories like that constantly inspire me to write so far beyond what i know i'm capable of. Either way, i'm inspired, i feel that juice in me. It's great. But i must admit that i wouldnt stop staring at Leonardo Dicaprio's big blue eyes. I was practically in a daze everytime they closed up on his eyes. Oh he's beautiful. It's like, he's not even hot, he's just...beautiful. God, i love him.
I am now inspired to write an amazing story though, one that has a big twist at the end, one that makes your eyes well up because a part of the story had been so unexpected. I have that crave in me but it'll be really difficult if i even try. Either way, i think i'll try anyways. Doesnt it seem fun if i would just simply try? I mean, no way will my writing compare to Martin Scorcessee (spelling?), but...who's comparing?

9:23

You ever wonder what it would be like to live back in time? Like the 20s, 50s, 60s, 70s & 80s? I do it often and sometimes i wish i did live back in the old days when Marilyn Monroe was alive or when i could hear Jo Stafford on the radio or when i could dance pretty amazingly, i could go to the movies to go watch Charlie Chaplin or go to a game and watch Babe Ruth. Wouldnt it be cool if i were a flapper? If i wore what the women wore at the time? Wouldnt it be cool if i could anticipate a brand new episode of I Love Lucy? You know me and my cousin used to stay up forever and watch I love Lucy every night on Nick At Night when they used to show it. Even now when they show marathons on the Hallmark channel, i'll watch it all. It makes me laugh so hard.
What really gets me is the just the outfits people used to wear. I saw a movie called Stand By Me lately and it took place in the 1950s and i took notice of what the kids wore, with their pants pulled high, their shirts tucked in, their hair slicked back....they looked pretty hot to me. I would so rather have pants riding up a guy's ass like that than having them down at their ankles. I couldnt stop staring at the actor Kefier Sutherland, he looked so cool when he was younger, he always played the bad ass like in Lost Boys too. God his hair was amazing and to tell you the truth he's not amazingly HOT, he's actually not hot at all but he's a very bad boy. And that is very attractive, he's the classic looking bad boy. I love staring at him when he comes out in those old movies. And his voice is pretty freaking cool too.
I wanna learn how to do The Charleston. Do you know how amazing it would be if i learned how to move like that? It's so funny to see but it seems like so much fun and it's so hard to believe that people actually danced like that. I mean even kids like me. Instead of grinding and humping eachother on the dance floor, we'd be doing The Charleston in flowy skirts and dresses and guys would be in their high water pants with their cool ass collers. Oh, that sounds so much more funner than now. Damn, i just wish time would come back, tradition would come back. My generation has done nothing to contribute to society, we have no Marilyn Monroe, we have no Babe Ruth, we have no 'The Charleston'. You know what we have? Robert Pattinson, Kobe Bryant and 'Jerking'. Now, tell me, is my generation the most pathetic ever? Of course i was born in this era.

5:15

I think about you... a lot. Is that wierd? I don't want to, I didnt plan on it and nor do i have any faith in my day dreams and yet, i'm still thinking about you. I actually don't know you all that well either, i don't know your favorite color, i don't know how you like your eggs and i really dont know what you want. I'm not even sure if i pass through your mind at all after we get out of class. This sounds like a cheesy poem, yeah, i know. But it's true. I'm writing this instead of studying for English and Algebra II. Yeah, i shouldnt blame you for tomorrow's failure on both my quizes, but hey, i already blame you for everything else.
It makes me happy when i wake up in the morning and realize that i'm going to see you. That's not creepy, is it? Cause God i think i'm sounding like a creeper. But it's true. You havent done anything at all in my life to make me think of you this much, hell, i dont think you've done anything at all to contribute to my life and nor have i done anything to yours and yet you're still placed right in the middle of my mind. You take up all it's space. You'll probably think this is really wierd, creepy and maybe VERY cheesy if you somehow find a way to read this and know that it's you. Which i completely doubt because I dont tell anybody about these posts, so what odds would it be if you found out this was about you? I think my world would crash down, embarrassment would finally eat me away and i will never write anything ever again. So, let's hope that you may never find this and realize who it's about.




....then again, what if you feel the same way too?

Stupid Horoscope

Stupid horoscope. I have a tendency to bounce back, a 'reputation', so called. GOD, i think this has everything to do with guys. Do you know how intimidated i am by them? Yeah i get a lot of guys flirting with me and sometimes they get me into trouble but do i ever actually build a relationship? No. I hope i'm not the type to tap and leave, not actually indicating that i got 'tapped'. Oh believe me, i'm super picky with the way guys even look at me, i have to be in absolute love with someone to get 'tapped'.
Stupid horoscope, telling me what i already know. I know what's going on in my mind but i dont know whats really going on in my life. Whatever. I just have my mind on one particular guy who seems to be way out of my league. He's a senior, seems to be constantly lost in his own world and sometimes he gives me distasteful looks and sometimes he simply stares. I'm not sure if he actually notices me at all and the last thing i want to do is make myself known and then be discouraged by his too-big ego. Does he even have one? He looks like it, i mean, why not? He's a great looking guy, perfect teeth, great body, great actor. Wtf? Why would he even look at me? He should have girls drooling for him. Stupid horoscope, stupid valentines day. God, if he gets anything for valentine's day i think i'll cry. Damn, i'm fucking retarded.

Continuation....

I want to be Salvador Domingo Felipe Jacinto Dali. He was not trapped in the depths of time and reality like the rest of humanity was... is. He took in Einstein's Theory Of Relativity that rethinks the rigidity of time and it's subsequent, man-imposed restraints. His world was built through insanity, yet, finding his own sanity inside him visible through his painting, photographs, sculptures and even his outer demeanor. I crave to be Salvador Domingo Felipe Jacinto Dali, though, not even he was his own person. His name "Salvador" was given to him by the belief that he was his brother reincarnated. In technicality he was his brother. Otherwise that, being Salvador Domingo Felipe Jacinto Dali or his brother would seem like a much better way to live.

I listened silently to the muffled rhythms of Aiden and Jaclyn, it was an obscure moment, little did they argue. I strained to hear the words of my brother, whose nature was calm and serene and only rarely did he raise his tone. Nor had i been used to Jaclyn's high pitched voice, though not as serene as my brother, she never had a reputation to argue with him.

"Mama?" Lily gurgled as she sat lazily on my lap. She used 'mama' to describe everything in her world, it was the only word she knew. Only this time did i know she actually referred to her mother, i nodded in silence. "Mama is talking to papa." I answered her as she stared at me with her brilliant blue eyes. She continued staring at me as if she expected more of an answer, discomfort bubbled in my chest. "What is it?" I cooed grabbing the remote that sat besides me, raising the volume until we were drenched with the chaos of I Love Lucy. After another moment of staring she lied her head against my chest and television silently.

"She's sleeping?" Aiden poked his head through my bedroom door. I looked up at him, his face calm without a wrinkle on his face. I nodded, "She fell asleep about an hour ago." I stared at the clock, it was nearly eleven. He walked in and closed the door behind him, he sat at the edge of the bed and sighed. "Where's Jackie?" I whispered, placing the baby on the bed. He rolled his eyes, as though annoyed, "She went to bed."