12:01

You know, it gets a bit lonely deep in the night. All i have is a blanket on my head, some chocolate and pretty good music. But i like it, sometimes. Today it's sort of eating at me though, i want someone to be here with me but i'm stuck alone pretty much.
I really like wierd names, some you dont really hear that much and it's just pretty rare to come upon them in life. Like Saoirse (Sear-sha), i got that name from an actress who's starring in a role in a movie based on a book that i've read. It's called the Lovely Bones, i read it a few years ago and i must say it's one of the saddest -if not the most- book i've ever read. I'm prepared to cry when i see the movie. Anyways, like Saorise i like the name Joaquin and Danika and Karris May and Liam. They're pretty wierd but i just hope i don't grow out of them by the time i have a baby. They're delicate names but yet very powerful, i dont want my children to have names that can easily be forgotten, i hate it when people forget my name, i actually get embarrassed. So i want beautiful, delicate, rare and powerful names for my children and i think those are trust worthy names. But i do love the name Sophie too, yeah it's common but it's such a beautiful name and i think it'd fit a baby girl perfectly.
I was never really a fan of my name, it's Kayla. A lot of people have my name and i don't like it. I wish i had a wierd name. And Kayla is easily forgotten, though it does roll of the tongue well. I just dont like turning around to the sound of my name when they arent calling for me. It's annoying and a little embarrassing when someone catches you turning around to your name when they're not calling for you.
I've been getting real bad anxiety attacks at night and it sucks. I'll be barely conscious but i begin to think about things that dont exist really. Like, i'll tell myself that i need to write some paper for English when in reality i dont need to. But at night i believe it and i begin to shake real bad and i sweat and i feel really....weak. Then i wont be able to sleep because my heart is pounding so hard then i get scared. But when i really wake up i realize everything i was worrying about wasnt real. It's...wierd and i dont like it. I get really bad attacks at night and it frustrates and scares me. I havent told anyone though, they'll just think i'm really wierd or something which is true. I mean i'm getting anxiety from things that arent even real. It's stupid and a bit pathetic. But it's just something i dont like going through, it's a waste.
I hear chocolate has this chemical that makes people happy, mhm. I believe it, a lot of people dont but i do. I'm sure it works but i do doubt there's a chemical in it. I think if i believe telling myself chocolate makes me happy then it will work. Obviously, thats how the mind works. If you truly believe something your body will automatically believe it too. If you think your sick, you'll get sick. But i think your beliefs need to go to a certain extent in order to get you results or something. I dont think if you just say it you'll get it, but i think it happens when you are strong about it. So i'll make chocolate make me happy just because i need a little bit more happiness in my system.
I didnt start my other book today but i did finish Siddhartha and i did memorize the first paragraph in Macbeth, it was difficult. But i got it down, not perfect, but i have it. That's enough for me. Also i've been listening to this song called 2-1 by Imogen Heap, i normally dont listen to them. I've heard of them but never listened to their music but i've listened to his song and i really like it. It's really magic and makes me imagine a lot of things. I like songs that take me away and it has done that the million times i've listened to it. It's a great song and i like it a lot. I've been wanting to find a place where i can download it because my dad has put 'restrictions' on me so i can't buy it. I must push for illegal ways but i havent found the song yet sooooo i'm sort of out of luck. I always need songs in my iPod, especially ones like these. I'm addicted to my iPod and it's not the same way where stupid girls are like "OMG i am sooo addicted to my iPod." Not quite like that at all. I'm sincerely addicted to it and it gets really bad for me. One time, a couple years back, it froze on me and it didnt even turn off so i went one night without my iPod and i was in complete misery. It was like, i couldnt breathe and i shook like i was having a seisure the whole night and i havent cried like that since my friend's funeral. Like, i lost myself for that moment. Without my iPod i didnt sleep, i didnt sleep at all. I'd doze off at moments but i'd wake quickly and begin to cry again. I cried to my mom that morning and she got really scared and told me enough was enough and that it was ridiculous i could be attached to such a stupid thing that had no meaning in my life. When it quite actually did have a significance if i went 24 hours without the sleep. Eventually it did work but later in my high school years, Freshman year, it was stolen right out of my bad. I cried and threw a tantrum in school, i cried into my cousin and told him how stupid and worthless i was and i even cried to a girl a barely knew. She felt really bad for me and hugged me. I cried to my mom when she picked me up and ironically she came out crying too when she started yelling at me, asking me why i would do such a stupid thing as to take my music, my life, along with me to school like that and be so careless. I'm not sure why she cried along with me, but she did. That was the worst moment in my life though because for the next month and a half i didnt have an iPod and my life seemed to plummet quickly. Without the sleep i got very paranoid and anxious with school and people, i didnt want to be around anyone and i was much bitter and cruel than usual. I did get my iPod after and again i was attached to it but this time, and still now, i keep that iPod with me and in my sight. No matter what, i am aware of it and rarely let people touch it or see it. I've got an obscure connection with that damn thing.
I feel incomplete right now, it's a funny feeling. I feel restless and i think i should go to sleep but i feel like i have so much more to do that i really cant. So i think i'm just filling this up in hopes that i could just drain every thought i had today and maybe it'll help me. Is anyone even reading this? It's funny, i could write and write and write and realize that if no one is reading this then....it's good that i'm writing to myself. Wow, i got a little scared. Again, i'm alone, right? Damn, even on the fucking web i feel lonely haha. Sad, isnt it? Eh, maybe i should pick up a book right now or somethin.