12:26

well, i've finished another book & as usual i'm a little sad. I feel like i've left a piece of myself behind in each book i've finished, i begin to feel sad because i feel as though i will never be able to come back to that same world. Though i could always re-read it, it wont be the same. It's funny though, i've never read a book twice despite the fact of how attached i get to the book. I can never read a book twice, it's simply impossible for me, which i suppose would be odd in retrospect. Tomorrow i'm going to finish Siddhartha, i'm very near the end so it should only take about an hour. I plan to begin reading another book after that as well, but i do have a lot on my plate already. I'm a huge slacker, i slack on just about everything, especially school work. I guess it's normal for a 16 year old girl but it's not good. My dad saw my progress report.
"Great job on maintaining a solid F this whole year." He told me, referring to my fat F on my Algebra 2 grade. I bet he barely took notice of my D in Spanish, my dad is such a geek when it comes to math and i suppose the only reason he really pays attention to it is because he knows it's my weak spot. I'm more of an English and Creative Arts student. Which brings me back to what he said about Drama, i can't join anymore plays if i continue maintaining my fat F. So.... there goes my happiness. But then again, who more can i blame but myself? I know i'm capable of learning putrid math but i dont dedicate myself to it. I expect everything to come to me easily and when it doesnt i get frustrated and give up on it...quickly. My accumilative GPA is a 2.6 which, sadly enough, is pretty good now a days when it comes to teenagers. I don't even have a 3.0 to take me to state, soooooo like i always say, things will always be alright; i'll keep comforting myself with the idea that i'll do kick ass in community college for the first two years and then transfer out to some elaborate college like USC or somethin like that. But i'm sure i wont really get anywhere (positive mind-set, have you noticed?), i'm sure i'll end up being an english teacher. You dont really need much to be a teacher but i really dont want to be a teacher who doesnt care, i have enough of those and i hate them. I want to be a teacher who really commits on the welfare of the student and as of now i don't believe i'll have the patience. But i'm only 16 and obviously have a lot of growing up to do. I'm still a kid and really, actually, immature for my age. Yeah sixteen year olds a rebellious but i'm not that really rebellious...i'm just a kid, i'd say my mind set is at the ten year old level. I mean, i even feel it with my 'friends'. and i actually feel i don't have friends, surprise....surprise. I dont think i've really had friends, ever. I dont think it's because of how i look but don't get me wrong i have a self-confidence at negative one, but i just know it's not that. I've always been a little...different from people but i don't stick out like a sore thumb. I'm more of the type of person you'd realize is really wierd through the air around me, i dont look like it, but you could sense it i suppose and once you actually meet me it's like 'ohhhh, i see.' I'm still not sure what draws and what pulls people away from me and i think because of that blindness it's prevented me from making real friends, people i actually want to be around with. And i don't have a problem with boys either, actually i can grab boys pretty good and tight. I'm actually really good with guys but dont take me as a disgusting, fart-liking girl. Oh believe me, i only have sisters and my dad is more of the silent, serious type. But, again, i'm not sure. I'm not all that pretty either, i'm not a Megan Fox or anything haha but i can grasp boys easily. Like there's this boy named Jeremy who keeps on insisting that we go out and eat, i was supposed to go to this restaurant called Dave & Busters with him today but i was real nervous about telling my mom. I did earlier like last week but when i brought it up this morning she had completely forgot and i thought it better if i just didnt say anything or go anywhere. I told him and he said it had been alright, we'd just go elsewhere some other time. Jeremy is very understand and very nice, he truly is, i was always able to read that from him. It was a strong vibe, especially when in English class he cried silently and i watched him. I wanted to ask what was wrong, (more for curious reasons rather than making him feel better) but i didnt say anything. I didnt bother, i did hug him though. Eh, i supposed i would be nice. I like it when people hug me when i'm sad & it's not everyday you see a 16 year old boy cry publically in a class full of fucking skillets and deep shits. So, i felt some sympathy. Well, anyways, Jeremy texted me last Friday out of no where and was like, "Let me get to know you better" Straight out. I was like, "Uh, yeah sure." So we've been texting since. He plays hockey and baseball, he absolutely adored his grandmother who passed away a couple years back, he has three younger sibilings (like me), his half mexican and half white, he likes tamales, and he has a lot of patience. I felt pretty wierd because i felt a little unsure of what i should tell him so i spit the physical bullshit. I was like, well, i'm in love with Forrest Gump and Megan Fox (no homo). and then he told me about his grandmama and how much of an inspiration he was in her life and that he loved her and all that. I was like, "Oh God, i know just how you feel, my grandfather died of cancer a couple years back too." When in reality he died in 1998 and i barely knew him and that i didnt even know he had cancer until he died and he lived in LA so i couldnt go to his funeral. He was like, "I'm sorry." And i was like, "Uh huh..." I felt like a waste, i mean, his grandmother? And my damn toothbrush? What the hell? That's why i'm not sure why guys like me and stick around for as long as they do, i'm pretty much a dumbass. There really only is one guy that can read me perfectly and his name is Kam and i met him this year in Chem and he was always able to read me like a damn book. He always picks at the worst parts of me though, he constantly tell me i have a low self esteem and that i need to work on my grades and that i have a negative output on life and that i have a short temper. It's ridiculous to think that since he's so...attentive to everything i am and do that he'd still be willing to be lovey-dovey with me. Oh yeah, my Drama teacher spills it all out on me, Griffindor (Mr. Griffin-Drama Teacher-Griffindor is a nickname, yeah i'm pretty cool like that) tells me that he is sprruuunnggggg. Griffindor tells me that he's dedicated and all that egg white. I've told Kam that if it's a committment he wants from me, he's not going to have it. But i guess he sort of blocked it out from his mind. Haha but like the whore that i am i don't remind him, i let him get touchy and lovey-dovey on me and i dont protest. But now that i'm getting close to Jeremy i'll begin to protest when he starts touching me. I don't want to be a two-timer, lead on type chick, even though my cousin already affirmed my paper work on TWO-TIMER, LEAD ON TYPE CHICK documentation. But i chose to erase that title well out of the face of the earth. Anyways, it's now 1:06 AM and i've been writing since 12:26. so this was a little great write because i've been wanting to explode a little, i'm not sure why but when i feel like this tomorrow i'll be sure to write. But i've got to memorize my damn Macbeth script, it's not that long at all actually but it's just hard for me to grasp the words. My mouth isnt used to the word placing, eh but Drama is where i have my patience. Funny, maybe i'll be a Drama teacher. I'm good like that. I can neglect my children and say that i'm acting HA! no wonder Griffindor is a happy man. Well, yeah, i'll memorize two paragraphs from Macbeth manana, then i'll finish Siddhartha, then i'll begin to read a new book. Sounds just about right.