Well, my emotions sway ridiculously. I may think i'm on crack. Do you know how frustrating I am? No, probably not. But, let me tell you, I am. I have (his name i will not mention but he is completely good looking, i'll call him 'Looker') Looker being served to me on a silver platter and i wont even reach out for him. He probably doesnt even realize that he's being hand-delivered to me, but he is and by God i just want to grab him. But...i cant. Many things are holding me back, for instance: If i get turned down, well, i'll stop myself from ever liking anyone again (I'm just like that). But also, on a serious note, i dont like how when Looker is gone one day my heart suddenly beings to palpitate for someone else. Hell, i plan on telling this other guy (We'll call him 'Pine') that i have this enormous crush on him. You see, i'm even running it through my head, here let me give you a taste of what i imagine:
I am sitting on the steps of the school quad, it's cloudy outside, but the day's darkness does not dull his appearance. He continues to stick out like a sore-thumb, I would suppose like any other loved boy on this campus. I shove my hands between my thighs, hiding it's tremble from my friends who sit blindly beside me silently devoured in their own thoughts. I am afraid to look at him, as though my thoughts and emotions would somehow be revealed through my glances. So I force myself to continue glancing at the sky, it's difficult and within seconds i don't succeed. I need to look at him again and when i do, i find him looking back. At that moment I knew i would have to walk to him and confess. But I continue sitting, my heart beginning to pound loudly, my mind tipping in one direction, my joints locking. "I'll be right back." I tell my friends as i stand up clumsily, walking away fast enough so they did not have to ask where i was going or what i was about to do. There was nothing less that i had wanted then for them to know exactly what i was doing so they could giggle and smile as i spoke to him from afar. But nothing stops their stares from burning my back as i walk up to him, he looks at me as i take my steps towards him. Awareness that i was approaching him seeped into his facial expression, his eyebrows rise and he shifts in the slightest. I call his name and pull him aside from a few of his friends, i pretend as though i'm going to say something casual so his friends dont have to stare at us and ask him what i had wanted after i confessed to him that i had 'feelings' for him. So, here I am, with 'Pine' and suddenly i dont know what the hell i'm doing here. I stare at him awkwardly feeling like a dumbass as my heart speeds again. But I am already here, i've already done too much to push him away. So i swallow my fear and smile, making myself comfortable. I start out by a simple 'Hi.' And he smiles, his dimples deepen in both his cheeks. At that moment i had wanted to run, maybe it wasnt too late. But i stop myself again, this was my moment. I hadnt wanted to give him, "Well, i havent done this in awhile but...I like you, a lot. What do you think?" So instead, i say 'Hi.' again. 'Hi.' He replies back, i could feel the awkwardness. Normally i wouldnt speak to him out of class, so not only was i going to confess my feelings but i was actually going to start an actual conversation out of class. What a dumbass, i told myself. 'I have this crush on you, i really do and can you just...you know? Not tell anyone? Because I dont really want anyone bugging me about it.' It comes out jumbled, probably lost within the air. I expected him to say, 'Huh?' Simply because i couldnt hear my own thoughts because of my heart beat, i could feel it pulsing in my wrists and in my ears. Then suddenly i walk away before he could say anything, i didnt exactly want to hear it. I only confessed to him because I wanted to tell him how i felt, not because i wanted to hear how he felt. And now that these confessions have been spoken aloud, let's wait until the next morning to see if the air will be so much harder to breathe in.
That is what i imagine as my confession, i'm not sure if that moment will actually happen nor the fact that i would be confessing anything to him but...it's a lot easier to imagine what should happen. I'm not sure what sets him a side from so many people, even Looker, but i like it and i like it a lot. These are pretty unfamiliar feelings.
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